So how are my meditation classes going? Not so well this week. I don’t know if it is due to that there are no classes this week, that I am a little ill or something else. I do know that I am having a hard time right now in general. I never write about it here, as I haven’t made this blog to personal. But I do have to nag and say that it sucks in Liverpool. I am sure it is a great city. But after so many years in the sun, and when you know that your stay is only temporary you kind of don’t put to much effort into making yourself a life. And I don’t work, which is probably the biggest reason I feel lonely. But it has been my choice. So who am i to nag? I wanted to concentrate on my studies. For those who don’t know; my boyfriend is English and had to go back to England to finish UNI and I followed him here.
I am used to having a very social life. Living in Spain made it very easy. Everybody was outdoors and you always found people you know sipping a coffee in one of all the terraces daytime or a beer at night. There were really never any lonely moments. It was actually kind of hard to get away and just be on your own.
I know that here in England, or in Sweden where I am from, it is absolutely normal only to see your friends once a week or less. Everybody has their lives. And at my age most people also have kids. Everybody lives in their own bubble. But that is not me. I have tried to adapt to that kind of lifestyle and it makes me miserable. I just realised, that since Jan 2006, I have spent in total 3,5 years in Spain in total and 1,5 years in South East Asia, meaning I spent less than one year in Sweden during this time. No wonder I can’t breathe spending so much time indoors, in a country somewhat similar to Sweden compared to Spain and the South East Asian Countries.
What is most difficult for me is the feeling of not doing anything that matters. So thank you Isara for letting me come help in February. It is only for one month, but it will help me gain that motivation and INSPIRATION I need to make the changes in life i strive for.
I had some hope when I started going to the Buddhist Centre, to meet people, make some friends. But it has been harder then I thought. Everybody seem to live very stressful lives and take meditation classes to learn to relax. For me it is the other way around. I do it to fill my time and to learn about myself and about Buddhism. Then you have the ones studying the more advanced programs at the centre. They definitely live in their own bubble and it feels like if you don’t decide to become a Kadampa Buddhist, they will not let you in. They will be nice and all that, but they will not become your friends.
Now, all this might just be i my head. I am certainly living in my own bubble at the moment and from my perspective this is Liverpool. I try not to be close minded. I don’t want to be a close minded person. We make choices in life and I think I need to look at my stay here in England as something good. It has certainly given me some perspective on life and what I really want. I have never felt so driven by the cause of helping others and make it my lifestyle. The frustrating part is not doing it yet. I really need to work on having more patience . I have my one year plan, which I hope will help me keep my plans realistic and achievable, but yet big and wonderful. I am doing a lot of research and I am educating myself about what opportunities there are out there. At least I will be prepared.
It is easy to just shut off when you have other plans in life and you are just on a stopover on your way to something bigger and it might seem strange for other people that I don’t want a fancy house, fancy car and a fancy job in a safe community in a western country. It probably seems weird that I have realised that materialism does not make me happy and that I want to dedicate my life to something bigger while living a more simple life.